Comments in Rodney Dangerfield

  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 09:00 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 09:00 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 09:00 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 09:00 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back! 
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:59 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    A hooker once told me she had a headache.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. 
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:58 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. 
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
  1. RodneyDangerfield
    RodneyDangerfield United States Sep 27, 2017 08:57 am In Rodney Dangerfield
    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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