Comments in Jokes

  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Nov 04, 2017 07:07 am In Jokes
    I said to the doctor:
    “The older I get, the more I spread gossip.”
    He said: “That’s Rumourtism.”
  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Nov 04, 2017 07:06 am In Jokes
    Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ‘Thieves Operate Here.’

    Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?
  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Nov 04, 2017 07:06 am In Jokes
    The boss of a paint company has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic.

    Medics say he needed a second coat.
  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Nov 01, 2017 05:47 pm In Jokes
    Chinese takeaway - £9
    Delivery charge - £1
    Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless.
  1. KatTimpf
    KatTimpf United States Nov 01, 2017 05:35 pm In Jokes
    I at least kind of hate everything I've ever done but that doesn't mean I don't also think I'm the best
  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Nov 01, 2017 03:58 pm In Jokes
    A bus station is where a bus stops.
    A train station is where a train stops.
    On my desk, I have a work station.
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 30, 2017 10:10 pm In Jokes
    I saw a red door and wanted to paint it black. Home Depot was out of black so I stripped the paint and used a nice walnut stain instead.
  1. CatDamon
    CatDamon United States Oct 30, 2017 09:49 pm In Jokes
    [stops and picks flowers in front of date]
    "that's so sweet"
    [thinking about how I'll do anything to screw over bees] huh?
  1. Yabkat
    Yabkat United States Oct 28, 2017 08:37 am In Jokes
    wife: I am having an affair

    me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
  1. JakeVig
    JakeVig United States Oct 28, 2017 08:35 am In Jokes
    Best piece of advice I ever got from the internet was “your dumb”
  1. David Hughes
    David Hughes Australia Oct 28, 2017 08:33 am In Jokes
    Therapist: do you think your parents would have been proud of you
    Me: I think so, yeah
    Therapist: I see them every Wednesday. They aren’t
  1. ScaryTerry
    ScaryTerry United States Oct 28, 2017 08:31 am In Jokes
    WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

    "No"

    WIFE: Apple?

    "Nope"

    WIFE: Lavender?

    "Sorry"

    ME: Let's go, this guy lacks common scents
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 22, 2017 08:30 pm In Jokes
    I dated a Wiccan once. So yeah, I have watched Hocus Pocus and the Craft back to back.
  1. Vichy Thought Leader
    Vichy Thought Leader United States Oct 22, 2017 08:27 pm In Jokes
    I love airports because they're the only place where you'll see a well dressed old lady staring into space eating a bag of Doritos
  1. Andy Richter
    Andy Richter United States Oct 22, 2017 08:24 pm In Jokes
    Goddamnit it’s October and I still haven’t settled on my summer jam yet
  1. CulturedRuffian
    CulturedRuffian United States Oct 22, 2017 08:23 pm In Jokes
    Having a job was the original gofundme account.
  1. Mattzilla
    Mattzilla United States Oct 22, 2017 09:54 am In Jokes
    I don’t like getting a full night’s sleep because it kills my hatred.
  1. TheBigBatman
    TheBigBatman United States Oct 22, 2017 09:38 am In Jokes
    It’s like my grandmother used to say the difference between peanut butter and jam is simple...you cannot peanut butter your dick up her ass.
  1. TheBigBatman
    TheBigBatman United States Oct 22, 2017 09:38 am In Jokes
    According to my fitness app on my Apple Watch I just vigorously finger banged my wife for 3km.
  1. TheBigBatman
    TheBigBatman United States Oct 22, 2017 09:38 am In Jokes
    Apparently I was wrong, Misogyny is a type of wood and has nothing to do with only having one sexual partner.
  1. TheBigBatman
    TheBigBatman United States Oct 22, 2017 09:37 am In Jokes
    This tweet is invisible, only people that masturbate can see it.
  1. Andy Richter
    Andy Richter United States Oct 22, 2017 07:32 am In Jokes
    Pretty sure that my deathbed scenario will just be me & my kids taking turns telling each other to get off our phones
  1. KevinFarzad
    KevinFarzad United States Oct 22, 2017 07:20 am In Jokes
    It's been a rough year so I just want to share this inspirational quote by Oprah again: "I have eaten bread every single day"
  1. KevinFarzad
    KevinFarzad United States Oct 22, 2017 07:20 am In Jokes
    I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
  1. BatKaren
    BatKaren United States Oct 22, 2017 07:07 am In Jokes
    amid the air raid sirens and screams of terrified evacuees, the blind girl bounced happily to the music in her noise-cancellation headphones
  1. Michael
    Michael United States Oct 22, 2017 07:07 am In Jokes
    ME: *plucks eyebrows*
    GUY NEXT TO ME AT THE BUS STOP: Owww stoppit
  1. ChuckNorris
    ChuckNorris United States Oct 22, 2017 07:02 am In Jokes
    Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  1. Internet Hippo
    Internet Hippo United States Oct 22, 2017 07:02 am In Jokes
    julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:51 pm In Jokes
    THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

    EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

    ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:51 pm In Jokes
    WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children

    ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:50 pm In Jokes
    ME: I had salmon for lunch

    WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

    ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
  1. JakeVig
    JakeVig United States Oct 20, 2017 09:50 pm In Jokes
    Remember before emojis when you had to write out “LOL” like some worthless piece of shit?
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:49 pm In Jokes
    Just found out my son is severely allergic to our new puppy. It wasn't an easy decision, but I hear his new foster parents have an Xbox.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:49 pm In Jokes
    Find that one special person in this world that completes you and make them watch football.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:48 pm In Jokes
    The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:47 pm In Jokes
    Most people would use a time machine to go back in time and right some wrong. Not me. I'd use it to spend more time with my old dog.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:47 pm In Jokes
    If you're struggling to get noticed and feel like your writing isn't being appreciated remember that Mama Said Knock You Out was a huge hit.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:46 pm In Jokes
    You should know something about me before accepting my advice. I'm not good at anything and couldn't care less.
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:46 pm In Jokes
    [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Oct 20, 2017 09:45 pm In Jokes
    My wife was going to write a poem about me as an anniversary gift but couldn't think of anything that rhymes with disappointment.
  1. Internet Hippo
    Internet Hippo United States Oct 19, 2017 10:22 pm In Jokes
    football would be more exciting if they took the penalized yards out of the football player’s actual property
  1. Internet Hippo
    Internet Hippo United States Oct 19, 2017 10:20 pm In Jokes
    I love getting older and constantly discovering new and terrifying ways in which I’m gross now
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 19, 2017 10:17 pm In Jokes
    Recessed lighting and an open concept are key factors in turning a haunted house into a haunted home.
  1. KarateHorse
    KarateHorse United States Oct 18, 2017 09:54 pm In Jokes
    Take me down to turtleneck city where the grass is green and the necks are sweaty
  1. DaddyJew
    DaddyJew United States Oct 18, 2017 09:49 pm In Jokes
    Anyone know if Gwen Stefani ever got out of that spider web?
  1. Jessica Dweck
    Jessica Dweck United States Oct 18, 2017 09:03 pm In Jokes
    The main reason I don't think there's a second Melania is that technicians can't even get the first one to work right
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 15, 2017 08:58 pm In Jokes
    I’ll say this about Eminem. No entertainer has done more for your mom’s spaghetti than he has.
  1. JakeVig
    JakeVig United States Oct 15, 2017 08:58 pm In Jokes
    What’s a fun thing to do during the third day of a Windows 10 update?
  1. RobertBeau
    RobertBeau United States Oct 15, 2017 08:55 pm In Jokes
    When people in India need technical support do they just call each other?
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 15, 2017 08:53 pm In Jokes
    Medieval Executioner: I can’t get this damn Guillotine to work.
    Me: Did you try turning it off and back on again?
  1. Kevinisthatbag
    Kevinisthatbag Canada Oct 15, 2017 08:52 pm In Jokes
    Flying squirrels are just like regular squirrels.

    Except they have a pilots licence

    Duh
  1. Kevinisthatbag
    Kevinisthatbag Canada Oct 15, 2017 08:51 pm In Jokes
    I asked her if she spit or swallowed and she slapped my face.

    So now you can't ask what she does with her bubble gum?

    Girls are weird.
  1. CatDamon
    CatDamon United States Oct 15, 2017 01:08 pm In Jokes
    me: dad where do babies come from
    "I'll tell you when you're older"
    me: [pulls car over] i think I'm old enough to know
  1. Michael
    Michael United States Oct 15, 2017 01:06 pm In Jokes
    Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
  1. BurtJarvis
    BurtJarvis United States Oct 15, 2017 12:52 pm In Jokes
    my favorite part of an orgy is the cuddling at the end.
  1. BurtJarvis
    BurtJarvis United States Oct 15, 2017 12:52 pm In Jokes
    costco rep: our regular plan is $60/year and our gold plan is $120/year.

    me: that's expensive. Is there a plan for eating samples only?
  1. BurtJarvis
    BurtJarvis United States Oct 15, 2017 12:52 pm In Jokes
    spirit1: where have you been?

    spirit2: I was competing at the boolympics.

    spirit1: how’d it go?

    spirit2: I won the ghouled medal.
  1. BurtJarvis
    BurtJarvis United States Oct 15, 2017 12:51 pm In Jokes
    [starbucks]

    me: can i take some wifi home with me?

    barista: um. sure(?)

    me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 15, 2017 12:48 pm In Jokes
    Patton: We need a battle song
    *I start playing Full House theme
    P: what’s this?
    Me: You might not be ready but your kids are gonna love it
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 15, 2017 12:48 pm In Jokes
    Christmas is my favorite Die Hard movie.
  1. AmishPornStar
    AmishPornStar United States Oct 15, 2017 12:48 pm In Jokes
    Whaddaya mean candy corn isn’t part of a nutritious breakfast?!?!
  1. ObscureGent
    ObscureGent United States Oct 15, 2017 12:47 pm In Jokes
    Me: I’ll have a venti frap with no whip
    Bartender: we only have bathtub gin
    Me: I’ll have a venti gin with no whip
  1. MatthewYglesias
    MatthewYglesias United States Oct 14, 2017 04:43 pm In Jokes
    They made a sequel that’s very true to the spirit of the original, a cult-classic commercial failure. [Re: Blade Runner]
  1. Sarcasticsapien
    Sarcasticsapien United States Oct 14, 2017 02:11 pm In Jokes
    I’m boycotting sobriety for the weekend.
  1. ScaryTerry
    ScaryTerry United States Oct 12, 2017 09:58 pm In Jokes
    PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

    ME: Ok

    [later at gym]

    ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
  1. AmishPornStar
    AmishPornStar United States Oct 12, 2017 09:55 pm In Jokes
    Not enough horror movies about Thursday the 12th.
  1. Archibald
    Archibald United States Oct 12, 2017 09:53 pm In Jokes
    I hate self-aware people. You know who you are.
  1. PornoftheDead
    PornoftheDead United States Oct 12, 2017 09:45 pm In Jokes
    my co-workers were horrified when they found out I have a Samsung. wait until they find out I have herpes!
  1. SteveSuckington
    SteveSuckington United States Oct 12, 2017 09:43 pm In Jokes
    Seems like not sinning would be pretty disrespectful considering Jesus died so we could.
  1. VictorWinetrout
    VictorWinetrout United States Oct 12, 2017 09:38 pm In Jokes
    What's the German word for when you take too much ecstasy and get your dick stuck in your neighbor's birdhouse
  1. Sarcasticsapien
    Sarcasticsapien United States Oct 12, 2017 09:30 pm In Jokes
    Come on, even if soulmates were real it’s far more likely you already met them and fucked it up than it is that you just haven’t met yet.
  1. JakeVig
    JakeVig United States Oct 12, 2017 09:25 pm In Jokes
    You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.
  1. BourgeoisAlien
    BourgeoisAlien United States Oct 12, 2017 09:24 pm In Jokes
    Let me clear something up, if you say 'people either love me or they hate me' they hate you. That's it.
  1. Alan Strickland Williams
    Alan Strickland Williams United States Oct 09, 2017 09:11 am In Jokes
    you simply must try eating ass darling it's just too die for
  1. EdenDranger
    EdenDranger United States Oct 09, 2017 08:13 am In Jokes
    "Yes, I'll be there!"

    -how people cancel plans in LA
  1. Dan Mentos
    Dan Mentos United States Oct 09, 2017 07:21 am In Jokes
    [neil degrasse tyson at a Train concert]
    JUPITER IS A GAS GIANT YOU CAN'T HAVE DROPS OF IT
    [fighting off security]
    MORE LIKE DROPS OF STUPIDER
  1. JimNorton
    JimNorton United States Oct 08, 2017 03:54 am In Jokes
    I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
  1. JimJeffries
    JimJeffries United States Oct 08, 2017 03:50 am In Jokes
    Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
  1. JerrySeinfeld
    JerrySeinfeld United States Oct 08, 2017 03:48 am In Jokes
    It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  1. JeffFoxworthy
    JeffFoxworthy United States Oct 08, 2017 03:45 am In Jokes
    The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
  1. JackHandey
    JackHandey United States Oct 08, 2017 03:36 am In Jokes
    I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
  1. HannibalBuress
    HannibalBuress United States Oct 08, 2017 03:31 am In Jokes
    I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.
  1. GregGiraldo
    GregGiraldo United States Oct 08, 2017 03:27 am In Jokes
    This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
  1. GarrisonKeillor
    GarrisonKeillor United States Oct 08, 2017 03:25 am In Jokes
    Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
  1. GrouchoMarx
    GrouchoMarx United States Oct 08, 2017 03:23 am In Jokes
    I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  1. GilbertGottfried
    GilbertGottfried United States Oct 08, 2017 03:14 am In Jokes
    Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
  1. GeorgeBurns
    GeorgeBurns United States Oct 08, 2017 03:11 am In Jokes
    Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
  1. FrankieBoyle
    FrankieBoyle United States Oct 08, 2017 03:07 am In Jokes
    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'
  1. EllenDeGeneres
    EllenDeGeneres United States Oct 08, 2017 03:04 am In Jokes
    I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
  1. EddieIzzard
    EddieIzzard United States Oct 08, 2017 03:01 am In Jokes
    Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."
  1. EmoPhillips
    EmoPhillips United States Oct 08, 2017 02:23 am In Jokes
    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
  1. Doug Stanhope
    Doug Stanhope United States Oct 08, 2017 02:20 am In Jokes
    I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"
  1. DennisMiller
    DennisMiller United States Oct 08, 2017 02:18 am In Jokes
    Sure, the lion is king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica & he's just a penguin's bitch.
  1. DaveAttell
    DaveAttell United States Oct 08, 2017 02:16 am In Jokes
    If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin fences neither.
  1. DanielTosh
    DanielTosh United States Oct 08, 2017 02:14 am In Jokes
    I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
  1. DougBenson
    DougBenson United States Oct 08, 2017 02:10 am In Jokes
    I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'
  1. DenisLeary
    DenisLeary United States Oct 08, 2017 02:08 am In Jokes
    Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
  1. DavidCross
    DavidCross United States Oct 08, 2017 02:06 am In Jokes
    All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
  1. DatPhan
    DatPhan United States Oct 08, 2017 02:04 am In Jokes
    My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood -- he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
  1. DovDavidoff
    DovDavidoff United States Oct 08, 2017 02:01 am In Jokes
    Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
  1. DonaldGlover
    DonaldGlover United States Oct 08, 2017 01:59 am In Jokes
    If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s.. because you are going to die alone.
  1. DemetriMartin
    DemetriMartin United States Oct 08, 2017 01:57 am In Jokes
    When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish'.
  1. DaveChappelle
    DaveChappelle United States Oct 08, 2017 01:55 am In Jokes
    Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
  1. ChicMurray
    ChicMurray United States Oct 07, 2017 07:04 pm In Jokes
    My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
  1. ChristopherTitus
    ChristopherTitus United States Oct 07, 2017 07:02 pm In Jokes
    I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
  1. ChrisRock
    ChrisRock United States Oct 07, 2017 06:59 pm In Jokes
    If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
  1. CraigFerguson
    CraigFerguson United States Oct 07, 2017 06:55 pm In Jokes
    A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
  1. ChristianFinnegan
    ChristianFinnegan United States Oct 07, 2017 06:42 pm In Jokes
    Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
  1. BobMonkhouse
    BobMonkhouse United States Oct 07, 2017 06:40 pm In Jokes
    I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
  1. BillyConnolly
    BillyConnolly United States Oct 07, 2017 06:38 pm In Jokes
    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
  1. BillCosby
    BillCosby United States Oct 07, 2017 06:35 pm In Jokes
    Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
  1. BradStine
    BradStine United States Oct 07, 2017 06:34 pm In Jokes
    We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
  1. BillBurr
    BillBurr United States Oct 07, 2017 06:30 pm In Jokes
    You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
  1. BobSagat
    BobSagat United States Oct 07, 2017 06:28 pm In Jokes
    Marijuana is not a drug!!! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck DICK for marijuana?
  1. billBailey
    billBailey United States Oct 07, 2017 06:26 pm In Jokes
    A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
  1. AnthonyJeselnik
    AnthonyJeselnik United States Oct 07, 2017 06:23 pm In Jokes
    My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
  1. AdamFerrara
    AdamFerrara United States Oct 07, 2017 06:20 pm In Jokes
    I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
  1. ArtieLange
    ArtieLange United States Oct 07, 2017 06:18 pm In Jokes
    Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.
  1. AzizAnsari
    AzizAnsari United States Oct 07, 2017 06:16 pm In Jokes
    Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
  1. BillEngvall
    BillEngvall United States Oct 07, 2017 06:10 pm In Jokes
    As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
  1. GarryShandling
    GarryShandling United States Oct 07, 2017 06:06 pm In Jokes
    I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
  1. RichardPryor
    RichardPryor United States Oct 07, 2017 06:03 pm In Jokes
    I'm not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells
  1. BernicMac
    BernicMac United States Oct 07, 2017 06:00 pm In Jokes
    You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
  1. LouisCK
    LouisCK United States Oct 07, 2017 03:38 am In Jokes
    There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
  1. AriShaffir
    AriShaffir United States Oct 06, 2017 12:42 pm In Jokes
    Half of the cokeheads I've met in my life have no idea how much cocaine costs. That half is women.
  1. CulturedRuffian
    CulturedRuffian United States May 27, 2017 02:34 am In Jokes
    Laughter may be the best medicine, but drugs are pretty good too.
  1. Annet T Donahue
    Annet T Donahue United States May 26, 2017 08:52 pm In Jokes
    i think it was generous of mark zuckerberg to address this year's graduating class of monopoly men
  1. Textsfromlastnight
    Textsfromlastnight United States Apr 22, 2017 04:29 am In Jokes
    I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
  1. JCautomatic
    JCautomatic United Kingdom Apr 01, 2017 05:36 am In Jokes
    AVOID your mum walking in to the room when you're watching porno films by simply choosing ones that she's not in.
  1. EhdannyBoy
    EhdannyBoy United Kingdom Apr 01, 2017 05:26 am In Jokes
    ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo
    TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur
    *silence for 10mins*
    ME: is Arthur coming or
  1. JesusChrist
    JesusChrist United States Mar 29, 2017 11:49 am In Jokes
    And just when the Oscars weren't looking too white, they had to bring in Sting...
  1. ChuckNorris
    ChuckNorris United States Mar 29, 2017 11:41 am In Jokes
    On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  1. TrillClinton
    TrillClinton United States Mar 29, 2017 11:35 am In Jokes
    If by offshore drilling you mean 'let's bang some chicks on a boat' then I'm all for it.
  1. Gwatts77
    Gwatts77 United States Mar 26, 2017 10:44 am In Jokes
    Pro Tip: If you inflate your blow up doll with helium you can have the entire bed to yourself while she sleeps on the ceiling.
  1. SixfootCandy
    SixfootCandy United States Mar 26, 2017 10:37 am In Jokes
    I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.
  1. GoldenSpirals
    GoldenSpirals United States Mar 26, 2017 10:32 am In Jokes
    My therapist told me "time heals all wounds",

    So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
  1. mydmac
    mydmac United States Mar 26, 2017 10:30 am In Jokes
    Hey, how are you?

    -me sexting
  1. Snarfernini
    Snarfernini United States Mar 26, 2017 10:23 am In Jokes
    This burrito is a nice metaphor for my life.

    I too, am barely keeping it together.
  1. AngelaEhh
    AngelaEhh Canada Mar 24, 2017 05:04 pm In Jokes
    Drunk me gives my phone number to men that sober me doesn't find attractive.

    This is why I can't have nice things.
  1. KatharineTowne
    KatharineTowne United States Mar 24, 2017 03:29 pm In Jokes
    If by "party" you mean I took my cat to the vet today and yesterday then yes, I do cocaine.
  1. FistfullofMcMuffins
    FistfullofMcMuffins United States Mar 24, 2017 10:07 am In Jokes
    Let's refrigerate this food we didn't finish for a few days before we throw it away.
  1. Kevinisthatbag
    Kevinisthatbag Canada Mar 24, 2017 10:03 am In Jokes
    Women spend hours to look perfect for a date.

    Men are dressed and ready in 8 mins and half of that was helicoptering our dick in the shower
  1. DirtySouthMess
    DirtySouthMess United States Mar 24, 2017 10:00 am In Jokes
    "Oh wow, that's a lot of dishes to ignore," I say to myself as I walk past the sink.
  1. Mattzilla
    Mattzilla United States Mar 24, 2017 09:58 am In Jokes
    [5 mins into falling in love]

    I wish you were dead
  1. Swishergirl
    Swishergirl United States Mar 24, 2017 09:52 am In Jokes
    Khaleesi: WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?

    Cashier: Ma'am this is Costco.
  1. MortimerHam
    MortimerHam Australia Mar 24, 2017 09:46 am In Jokes
    I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
  1. DaddyJew
    DaddyJew United States Mar 24, 2017 09:43 am In Jokes
    Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

    Age 20: it'd be nice to own a home someday

    Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
  1. EdenDranger
    EdenDranger United States Mar 16, 2017 08:08 pm In Jokes
    MATH PROBLEM:

    If I order 3 tacos, and Brenda eats 1, jeezus Brenda this is why nobody likes you!
  1. JenStatsky
    JenStatsky United States Mar 16, 2017 07:56 pm In Jokes
    what kinda plastic surgery should i get? my husband gave me a $50k budget (tits non-negotiable)
  1. CharlenedeGuzman
    CharlenedeGuzman United States Mar 16, 2017 07:51 pm In Jokes
    Every outfit is pajamas when you're sad
  1. RobFee
    RobFee United States Mar 14, 2017 06:51 pm In Jokes
    I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
  1. KatharineTowne
    KatharineTowne United States Mar 14, 2017 06:48 pm In Jokes
    Hey sorry I didn't text u back I accidentally touched my cats butthole & had to set my hand on fire
  1. RachelleMandik
    RachelleMandik United States Mar 14, 2017 06:33 pm In Jokes
    whenever i'm driving and see someone singing along with the same song as me, i follow them until they freak out and crash into a median
  1. RachelleMandik
    RachelleMandik United States Mar 14, 2017 06:31 pm In Jokes
    i call a spade a spade. i call a shovel a spade. a rake a spade. a trowel a spade. a hoe a spade. a scythe a spade. an ax a spade. a pitchf—
  1. SarahBeattie
    SarahBeattie United States Mar 14, 2017 06:28 pm In Jokes
    I want to have two children so the one I love less will become a comedian
  1. SarahBeattie
    SarahBeattie United States Mar 14, 2017 06:26 pm In Jokes
    I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon
  1. KarateHorse
    KarateHorse United States Mar 13, 2017 07:19 pm In Jokes
    In hindsight I feel terrible that I named my first child "Merbin"and even worse now that I've also named my second child Merbin by accident
  1. RadKyle
    RadKyle Canada Mar 13, 2017 07:11 pm In Jokes
    Me: my shoulder is sore
    DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
    [walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
  1. CatDamon
    CatDamon United States Mar 13, 2017 07:10 pm In Jokes
    You guys didn't leave out milk and cookies for Jesus every Sunday? Weird. We stopped after my dad got diabetes.
  1. RachelleMandik
    RachelleMandik United States Mar 13, 2017 07:06 pm In Jokes
    I couldn't remember the term "hazmat suit," so I called it a "science burqa."
  1. BatKaren
    BatKaren United States Mar 13, 2017 06:59 pm In Jokes
    "Admit it—we're lost!"

    "Babe, I can read a map," I say. "We'll shortcut on Gumdrop Mountain path to Candy Castle—"

    "THIS ISN'T CANDYLAND!"
  1. LilJonLovitz
    LilJonLovitz United States Mar 13, 2017 06:49 pm In Jokes
    how many baldwins are they hiding from us. could be dozens, we just don't know
  1. TheToddWilliams
    TheToddWilliams Canada Mar 13, 2017 06:42 pm In Jokes
    Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
  1. MaxDylanAsh
    MaxDylanAsh United States Mar 13, 2017 06:39 pm In Jokes
    "Nor'easter" is how Australians say "No Easter."
  1. FunnyOneLiners
    FunnyOneLiners United States Mar 13, 2017 05:37 pm In Jokes
    I hear you, good intentions, but bad ideas already called.
  1. ShitJokes
    ShitJokes United Kingdom Mar 13, 2017 05:26 pm In Jokes
    Got fired today.

    First day on the job as a masseur

    Apparently the instruction to 'finish on her face' didn't mean what I thought it meant!
  1. Rew
    Rew United States Mar 06, 2017 07:38 pm In Jokes
    [I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

    BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

    ME: [lifting veil] I do
  1. EricShadow
    EricShadow United States Mar 05, 2017 07:29 pm In Jokes
    I just asked an old guy with gray hair his secret to living a long life. His secret is "I'm 44. Fuck off."
  1. LordGoomba
    LordGoomba United States Mar 05, 2017 07:22 pm In Jokes
    Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Teach a fish to man and he'll probably just send a dick pic or start a war.
  1. KirkFox
    KirkFox United States Mar 05, 2017 07:06 pm In Jokes
    If God is your copilot you must be a great pilot. I mean, God could probably fly with anyone he wants and he chose you. That is impressive.
  1. MrsSassyPants
    MrsSassyPants United States Mar 05, 2017 07:01 pm In Jokes
    I had American sex tonight....it was like regular sex, only great again.
  1. MichaelRock
    MichaelRock United States Mar 05, 2017 06:58 pm In Jokes
    It doesn't matter what's in my pocket, I'm never happy to see you.
  1. MichaelRock
    MichaelRock United States Mar 05, 2017 06:57 pm In Jokes
    My 8yo is drawing emojis like some sort of peasant who doesn't own a tablet.
  1. MichaelRock
    MichaelRock United States Mar 05, 2017 06:57 pm In Jokes
    Sometimes tweets don't end the way you expect them whale dick.
  1. James Breakwell
    James Breakwell United States Mar 05, 2017 05:08 pm In Jokes
    The safest thing I’ve ever done is make all my passwords super embarrassing.

    That way I can never, ever tell them to anyone.
  1. Uncle Duke
    Uncle Duke United States Mar 05, 2017 05:06 pm In Jokes
    Eve: I got an Apple. -- Adam: ... -- Eve: ... -- Adam: ... -- Eve: What? -- Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. -- Eve: The serpent said this was better.
  1. Reverend Scott
    Reverend Scott United States Mar 05, 2017 04:59 pm In Jokes
    ME: I want another 20 piece chicken McNugget. -- GENIE: You're seriously wasting these wishes- -- ME: WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION, I'LL WISH FOR IT
  1. Paperwash
    Paperwash United States Mar 05, 2017 03:08 pm In Jokes
    18: can I buy a bottle of wine? -- USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible -- 18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education? -- USA: we encourage it
  1. Eric Turtle
    Eric Turtle United States Mar 05, 2017 03:00 pm In Jokes
    when two country music stars have sex they morph into a ford f-150
  1. Fred Delicious
    Fred Delicious United Kingdom Mar 05, 2017 02:51 pm In Jokes
    I'd love to be a dog cuz in dog years I'd be dead
  1. David Hughes
    David Hughes Australia Mar 05, 2017 02:44 pm In Jokes
    Wife: where's the baby? -- Me: up on the roof -- Wife: THE ROOF? -- Me: relax. He's got sunscreen on
  1. Jazmasta
    Jazmasta United Kingdom Mar 05, 2017 02:31 pm In Jokes
    [making small talk with wife's grandparents over Christmas dinner] fuck you
  1. Bucky Isotope
    Bucky Isotope United States Mar 05, 2017 01:52 pm In Jokes
    A man walks into a horse bar. Why the short face, asks the horse bartender. The man begins crying. He is the last human left on horse world.
  1. TheGarbageShitBoy
    TheGarbageShitBoy United States Mar 05, 2017 01:50 pm In Jokes
    down in the sewers, gatormen eat our turds. fecal connoisseurs, they debate nuttiness & texture while piss funnels out their gaping maws.
  1. Keet
    Keet United Kingdom Mar 05, 2017 01:47 pm In Jokes
    [sat on beach watching sunset] -- wife: [puts hand on mine] "what are you thinking about?" -- me: "is the plural of bigfoot bigfoots or bigfeet?"
  1.  Keith Buckley
    Keith Buckley United States Mar 05, 2017 01:42 pm In Jokes
    the nickname "Octomom" implies only that you have 8 moms. do not assume gender
  1. Internet Hippo
    Internet Hippo United States Mar 05, 2017 01:36 pm In Jokes
    The only thing you need to know about our world is that they made a human centipede movie, and then they made two more
  1. Audrey Farnsworth
    Audrey Farnsworth United States Mar 05, 2017 09:39 am In Jokes
    if you act confident enough you can literally do whatever, you can push a lawnmower into a Sears confidently saying "it's fine I'm the king"
  1. Dan Mentos
    Dan Mentos United States Mar 05, 2017 09:37 am In Jokes
    pilot on intercom: folks I’m so high right now haha just a little airline humor ---
    copilot: sir we’re still at the gate
  1. Tara Shoe
    Tara Shoe United States Mar 05, 2017 09:30 am In Jokes
    had a feeling that would be your question. yes. yes of course i cleansed and consecrated my energy healing crystals. i'm not a fucking idiot
  1. Nathan Usher
    Nathan Usher Canada Mar 05, 2017 09:29 am In Jokes
    Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, you say things you don't mean. I'm sorry. You aren't a "silly goose". That's my dad talking, not me.
  1. Nathan Usher
    Nathan Usher Canada Mar 05, 2017 09:28 am In Jokes
    Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.
  1. Michael
    Michael United States Mar 05, 2017 07:47 am In Jokes
    Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
  1. DuncanTrusselPhD
    DuncanTrusselPhD United States Mar 05, 2017 07:40 am In Jokes
    If you lunatic scientists bring back the mammoths you're gonna regret it. Those bastards destroyed mars and followed us here.
  1. Davey Johnson
    Davey Johnson United States Mar 05, 2017 07:33 am In Jokes
    Kurt Cobain would have been 103 years old today in the future.
  1. Randy Liedtke
    Randy Liedtke United States Mar 05, 2017 07:30 am In Jokes
    I have a special toilet for barfing
  1. Brendon Walsh
    Brendon Walsh United States Mar 05, 2017 07:26 am In Jokes
    Hold up, so Donald Trump's wife is named Melania, and Barack Obama has a daughter named Melania and nobody is talking about it? ???? hmmmm
  1. Zoë Klar
    Zoë Klar United States Mar 05, 2017 07:20 am In Jokes
    same coworker just screamed "YES!" when 'piano man' came on
  1. Zoë Klar
    Zoë Klar United States Mar 05, 2017 07:20 am In Jokes
    overheard my coworker say "wanna hear the best song ever" and then he started blasting 'come on eileen'
  1. Joe R
    Joe R United States Mar 05, 2017 07:15 am In Jokes
    I honestly still assume that everyone's avatar is what they really look like
  1. Neal Brennan
    Neal Brennan United States Mar 05, 2017 07:02 am In Jokes
    It's great to pursue your hopes and dreams. But you know what else is great? Not doing jackshit.
  1. Daniel Tosh
    Daniel Tosh United States Mar 05, 2017 05:22 am In Jokes
    this is embarrassing but i can't tweet with you guys, my ballerina wife and i have to host our annual fat tuesday prayer circle.
  1. Steve Martin
    Steve Martin United States Mar 05, 2017 05:19 am In Jokes
    Dear Satan, Thank you for not putting on/off switches or reboot buttons on modems!
  1. George Wallace
    George Wallace United States Mar 05, 2017 05:16 am In Jokes
    There should be more ninjas, but they work normal jobs. Like, you have no idea how your food got to your table without seein' anyone. NINJA!
  1. George Wallace
    George Wallace United States Mar 05, 2017 05:16 am In Jokes
    I straight up chew bubble gum and blow bubbles with chewing gum I don't give a shit what the man says.
  1. George Wallace
    George Wallace United States Mar 05, 2017 05:15 am In Jokes
    Think I'm gonna write one of them sexy books with folks just makin' intercourse all the time, on the beach and on boats and whatnot.
  1. Julio Torres
    Julio Torres United States Mar 04, 2017 08:57 pm In Jokes
    When I fell and hit my arm I feared I'd never be able to christen a boat ever again
  1. Lyle Clip Art
    Lyle Clip Art United States Mar 04, 2017 08:54 pm In Jokes
    Give a man a fish & he'll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That's weird" Teach a man to fish & he'll be all "Again with the fish?"
  1. Chuuch
    Chuuch United States Mar 04, 2017 08:47 pm In Jokes
    i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
  1. Brian Essbe
    Brian Essbe United States Mar 04, 2017 08:42 pm In Jokes
    "..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again"
    *raises hand*
    What guy thought horses might figure it out?
  1. Mike Lawrence
    Mike Lawrence United States Mar 04, 2017 08:40 pm In Jokes
    If Trump wasn't president, we could focus on real issues like Matt Damon starring in a movie about ancient China
  1. OhNoSheTwitnt
    OhNoSheTwitnt United States Mar 04, 2017 08:29 pm In Jokes
    Logan (2017) Adorable little girl stabs a bunch of dudes to death. 10/10 stars.
  1. Maura Quint
    Maura Quint United States Mar 04, 2017 08:18 pm In Jokes
    I'm trying to be more like my grandmother: she had a mental illness but was very thin.
  1. Bobby Big Wheel
    Bobby Big Wheel United States Mar 04, 2017 08:04 pm In Jokes
    I thought Heat vs. Raptors was decided 65 million years ago
  1. Tim Siedell
    Tim Siedell United States Mar 03, 2017 06:58 pm In Jokes
    Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
  1. Dan Goor
    Dan Goor United States Mar 03, 2017 06:26 pm In Jokes
    Good thing for @MichaelPhelps that airports don't have MEDAL detectors.
  1. Dan Goor
    Dan Goor United States Mar 03, 2017 06:24 pm In Jokes
    The guy I work with who called himself a "monster" just set his computer to announce the time (to the whole room) every 15 minutes.
  1. Brian Wollack
    Brian Wollack United States Mar 03, 2017 11:55 am In Jokes
    Russians must be pretty boring on the phone; no one seems to recall any of their conversations.
  1. Guy Branum
    Guy Branum United States Mar 03, 2017 11:44 am In Jokes
    This is a fun reminder that the first time I had sex it was a crime.
  1. Dwight Genocide
    Dwight Genocide United States Mar 03, 2017 11:34 am In Jokes
    The first Disney movie to include a gay character also includes 100% acceptable bestiality.
  1. Dwight Genocide
    Dwight Genocide United States Mar 03, 2017 11:34 am In Jokes
    The first Disney movie to include a gay character also includes 100% acceptable bestiality.
  1. Dwight Genocide
    Dwight Genocide United States Mar 03, 2017 05:20 am In Jokes
    Just saw an LA cop eating Chipotle. No one who exhibits such poor decision-making skills should be armed.
  1. Cullen Crawford
    Cullen Crawford United States Mar 03, 2017 05:12 am In Jokes
    I know I don't respond to emails and then tweet a bunch of nonsense but it's how I channel the anxiety everyone's emails give me
  1. Cullen Crawford
    Cullen Crawford United States Mar 03, 2017 05:12 am In Jokes
    Lasagna is an experiment to see how close a food can resemble a leg wound
  1. Mike Fossey
    Mike Fossey United States Mar 02, 2017 07:41 pm In Jokes
    the guy who first complained about capn crunch hurting your mouth: youre a big bitch
    everyone who still does it: youre 6x as much of a bitch
  1. Jessica Dweck
    Jessica Dweck United States Mar 02, 2017 11:51 am In Jokes
    Mel Gibson should just thank time.
  1. Mike Drucker
    Mike Drucker United States Mar 02, 2017 11:44 am In Jokes
    I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
  1. Josh Gondelman
    Josh Gondelman United States Mar 02, 2017 11:42 am In Jokes
    Jeff Sessions is like the protagonist of an NBC comedy called "Bad Attorney General."
  1. Breakfast Haver
    Breakfast Haver United States Mar 02, 2017 11:37 am In Jokes
    When I see people trawling Reddit for stupid stuff to repost here I’m like just have kids if you have so much free time to gawk at idiots
  1. Alan Strickland Williams
    Alan Strickland Williams United States Mar 02, 2017 11:29 am In Jokes
    I think sometimes I can come off as pretentious and off-putting to people who are inferior to me and dumb.
  1. Alan Strickland Williams
    Alan Strickland Williams United States Mar 02, 2017 11:29 am In Jokes
    If Trump goes, then it's Pence. And if Pence goes, then it's Ryan. And if Ryan goes, then it's Hatch. And if Hatch goes, then it's Fieri.
  1. Alan Strickland Williams
    Alan Strickland Williams United States Mar 02, 2017 11:29 am In Jokes
    Every year I go around and take all the stuff everybody else gave up for lent and i wind up with so much shit it's crazy
  1. Pete Holmes
    Pete Holmes United States Feb 24, 2017 07:41 pm In Jokes
    million dollar idea: cool ranch listerine
  1. Pete Holmes
    Pete Holmes United States Feb 24, 2017 07:41 pm In Jokes
    why didn't they call it 51 Shades of Grey? THATS SEQUEL PROTOCOL
  1. Jim Gaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan United States Feb 24, 2017 07:31 pm In Jokes
    When are they going to put a @Starbucks on one of those 7 newly discovered planets?
  1. Rob Corddry
    Rob Corddry United States Feb 24, 2017 07:29 pm In Jokes
    Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade.
  1. ToddBarry
    ToddBarry United States Feb 24, 2017 07:26 pm In Jokes
    I wasn't included in @CNN's "History Of Comedy." So I get the whole "fake news" thing.
  1. Kelly Oxford
    Kelly Oxford United States Feb 24, 2017 07:14 pm In Jokes
    7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?"
    Me "Yes"
    7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
  1. Clark Kent
    Clark Kent United States Feb 23, 2017 09:10 pm In Jokes
    breaking news some scientists "found" some new planets lol good work guys
  1. Vichy Thought Leader
    Vichy Thought Leader United States Feb 23, 2017 09:08 pm In Jokes
    One cool thing about Canada is that a cultural touchstone among its millennials was an anti-corporate consumer affairs show for kids
  1. Mike Fossey
    Mike Fossey United States Feb 23, 2017 08:52 pm In Jokes
    I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math

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