Comments in George Carlin

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Life is a zero sum game.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Hooray for most things!

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

“No comment” is a comment.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

What year did Jesus think it was?

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!