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Comments in George Carlin
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:19 am
In George Carlin
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:19 am
In George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Life is a zero sum game.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Hooray for most things!
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
“No comment” is a comment.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am
In George Carlin
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
What year did Jesus think it was?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am
In George Carlin
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am
In George Carlin
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am
In George Carlin
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am
In George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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GeorgeCarlin
Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am
In George Carlin
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
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