Comments in George Carlin

  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:19 am In George Carlin
    It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:19 am In George Carlin
    I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Life is a zero sum game.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Hooray for most things!
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    “No comment” is a comment.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:18 am In George Carlin
    Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    What year did Jesus think it was?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:17 am In George Carlin
    I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:16 am In George Carlin
    A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am In George Carlin
    Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am In George Carlin
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  1. GeorgeCarlin
    GeorgeCarlin United States Sep 27, 2017 09:15 am In George Carlin
    I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

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