Comments in Funny 1

  1. CulturedRuffian
    CulturedRuffian United States Oct 22, 2017 08:23 pm In Jokes
    Having a job was the original gofundme account.
  1. Dan Mentos
    Dan Mentos United States Oct 09, 2017 07:21 am In Jokes
    [neil degrasse tyson at a Train concert]
    JUPITER IS A GAS GIANT YOU CAN'T HAVE DROPS OF IT
    [fighting off security]
    MORE LIKE DROPS OF STUPIDER
  1. JimNorton
    JimNorton United States Oct 08, 2017 03:54 am In Jokes
    I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
  1. JimJeffries
    JimJeffries United States Oct 08, 2017 03:50 am In Jokes
    Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
  1. JerrySeinfeld
    JerrySeinfeld United States Oct 08, 2017 03:48 am In Jokes
    It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  1. JeffFoxworthy
    JeffFoxworthy United States Oct 08, 2017 03:45 am In Jokes
    The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
  1. JackHandey
    JackHandey United States Oct 08, 2017 03:36 am In Jokes
    I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
  1. HannibalBuress
    HannibalBuress United States Oct 08, 2017 03:31 am In Jokes
    I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.
  1. GregGiraldo
    GregGiraldo United States Oct 08, 2017 03:27 am In Jokes
    This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
  1. GarrisonKeillor
    GarrisonKeillor United States Oct 08, 2017 03:25 am In Jokes
    Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
  1. GrouchoMarx
    GrouchoMarx United States Oct 08, 2017 03:23 am In Jokes
    I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  1. GilbertGottfried
    GilbertGottfried United States Oct 08, 2017 03:14 am In Jokes
    Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
  1. GeorgeBurns
    GeorgeBurns United States Oct 08, 2017 03:11 am In Jokes
    Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
  1. FrankieBoyle
    FrankieBoyle United States Oct 08, 2017 03:07 am In Jokes
    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'
  1. EllenDeGeneres
    EllenDeGeneres United States Oct 08, 2017 03:04 am In Jokes
    I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
  1. EddieIzzard
    EddieIzzard United States Oct 08, 2017 03:01 am In Jokes
    Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."
  1. EmoPhillips
    EmoPhillips United States Oct 08, 2017 02:23 am In Jokes
    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
  1. Doug Stanhope
    Doug Stanhope United States Oct 08, 2017 02:20 am In Jokes
    I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"
  1. DennisMiller
    DennisMiller United States Oct 08, 2017 02:18 am In Jokes
    Sure, the lion is king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica & he's just a penguin's bitch.
  1. DaveAttell
    DaveAttell United States Oct 08, 2017 02:16 am In Jokes
    If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin fences neither.
  1. DanielTosh
    DanielTosh United States Oct 08, 2017 02:14 am In Jokes
    I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
  1. DougBenson
    DougBenson United States Oct 08, 2017 02:10 am In Jokes
    I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'
  1. DenisLeary
    DenisLeary United States Oct 08, 2017 02:08 am In Jokes
    Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
  1. DavidCross
    DavidCross United States Oct 08, 2017 02:06 am In Jokes
    All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
  1. DatPhan
    DatPhan United States Oct 08, 2017 02:04 am In Jokes
    My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood -- he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
  1. DovDavidoff
    DovDavidoff United States Oct 08, 2017 02:01 am In Jokes
    Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
  1. DonaldGlover
    DonaldGlover United States Oct 08, 2017 01:59 am In Jokes
    If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s.. because you are going to die alone.
  1. DemetriMartin
    DemetriMartin United States Oct 08, 2017 01:57 am In Jokes
    When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish'.
  1. DaveChappelle
    DaveChappelle United States Oct 08, 2017 01:55 am In Jokes
    Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
  1. ChicMurray
    ChicMurray United States Oct 07, 2017 07:04 pm In Jokes
    My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
  1. ChristopherTitus
    ChristopherTitus United States Oct 07, 2017 07:02 pm In Jokes
    I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
  1. ChrisRock
    ChrisRock United States Oct 07, 2017 06:59 pm In Jokes
    If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
  1. CraigFerguson
    CraigFerguson United States Oct 07, 2017 06:55 pm In Jokes
    A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
  1. ChristianFinnegan
    ChristianFinnegan United States Oct 07, 2017 06:42 pm In Jokes
    Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
  1. BobMonkhouse
    BobMonkhouse United States Oct 07, 2017 06:40 pm In Jokes
    I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
  1. BillyConnolly
    BillyConnolly United States Oct 07, 2017 06:38 pm In Jokes
    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
  1. BillCosby
    BillCosby United States Oct 07, 2017 06:35 pm In Jokes
    Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
  1. BradStine
    BradStine United States Oct 07, 2017 06:34 pm In Jokes
    We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
  1. BillBurr
    BillBurr United States Oct 07, 2017 06:30 pm In Jokes
    You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
  1. BobSagat
    BobSagat United States Oct 07, 2017 06:28 pm In Jokes
    Marijuana is not a drug!!! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck DICK for marijuana?
  1. billBailey
    billBailey United States Oct 07, 2017 06:26 pm In Jokes
    A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
  1. AnthonyJeselnik
    AnthonyJeselnik United States Oct 07, 2017 06:23 pm In Jokes
    My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
  1. AdamFerrara
    AdamFerrara United States Oct 07, 2017 06:20 pm In Jokes
    I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
  1. ArtieLange
    ArtieLange United States Oct 07, 2017 06:18 pm In Jokes
    Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.
  1. AzizAnsari
    AzizAnsari United States Oct 07, 2017 06:16 pm In Jokes
    Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
  1. BillEngvall
    BillEngvall United States Oct 07, 2017 06:10 pm In Jokes
    As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
  1. GarryShandling
    GarryShandling United States Oct 07, 2017 06:06 pm In Jokes
    I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
  1. RichardPryor
    RichardPryor United States Oct 07, 2017 06:03 pm In Jokes
    I'm not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells
  1. BernicMac
    BernicMac United States Oct 07, 2017 06:00 pm In Jokes
    You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
  1. LouisCK
    LouisCK United States Oct 07, 2017 03:38 am In Jokes
    There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
  1. AriShaffir
    AriShaffir United States Oct 06, 2017 12:42 pm In Jokes
    Half of the cokeheads I've met in my life have no idea how much cocaine costs. That half is women.
  1. CulturedRuffian
    CulturedRuffian United States May 27, 2017 02:34 am In Jokes
    Laughter may be the best medicine, but drugs are pretty good too.
  1. Dan Mentos
    Dan Mentos United States Mar 05, 2017 09:37 am In Jokes
    pilot on intercom: folks I’m so high right now haha just a little airline humor ---
    copilot: sir we’re still at the gate

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