Comments posted by Eric Shadow

1. 
   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:51 pm

   THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming* ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:51 pm

   WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:50 pm

   ME: I had salmon for lunch WIFE: the L is silent, idiot ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

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   Hate Trump 20 Oct, 2017 09:50 pm

   Americans will spend $9B on Halloween this year. To put in perspective it's almost enough to cover Trump admin's travel expenses for 3 days.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:49 pm

   Just found out my son is severely allergic to our new puppy. It wasn't an easy decision, but I hear his new foster parents have an Xbox.

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   Hate Trump 20 Oct, 2017 09:49 pm

   Before he's allowed to make any policy changes, Trump should prove he can find Iran on a map.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:49 pm

   Find that one special person in this world that completes you and make them watch football.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:48 pm

   The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:47 pm

   Most people would use a time machine to go back in time and right some wrong. Not me. I'd use it to spend more time with my old dog.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:47 pm

   If you're struggling to get noticed and feel like your writing isn't being appreciated remember that Mama Said Knock You Out was a huge hit.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:46 pm

   You should know something about me before accepting my advice. I'm not good at anything and couldn't care less.

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:46 pm

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

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   Jokes 20 Oct, 2017 09:45 pm

   My wife was going to write a poem about me as an anniversary gift but couldn't think of anything that rhymes with disappointment.

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   Jokes 05 Mar, 2017 07:29 pm

   I just asked an old guy with gray hair his secret to living a long life. His secret is "I'm 44. Fuck off."